Yes is a Little Word...

Open your eyes,

Dream but don't guess.

Your biggest surprise

Comes after Yes.

Yes by Muriel Rukeyser 

I sit here at my desk, with candles burning and Fun. 'Some Nights' blaring from my speakers (the gay man in me is seeming to come out more regularly these days). I want to start a blog. I don't really know why, just some little voice in my head has been bugging me for weeks to do it. You know the voice, that tinny little thing that you really try to ignore most of the time for its inane ideas. Well it persisted and, unfortunately for you, I have given in. Writing this is probably the culmination of my obsession with social media (a self-confessed Facebook and Twitter addict), and my constant desire to share how I feel with people. But after six months of giving in to that voice, and the incredible things it has delivered to me, I'm hoping this will be another example of where it was right to do so. 

This is the first moment of reflection I have had after the end of perhaps the greatest example of where giving in and saying yes is exactly the right thing to do. I spent around eight weeks working on the truly awe-inspiring Epidemic - a community musical performed and backstaged (yes, i even make up words) by a team of dedicated volunteers. To call it the best experience of my life may sound dramatic (I'm nothing if not that), but ask any of those involved in the show and you would probably get the same response. I learnt so much from each and every member of the company - from the little things (like the fact that putting cookies in milk and microwaving them is absolutely the best snack ever) - to the massive (that depression is something to be talked about, not ignored). And I will never forget the feeling of being on stage with people that I love - I tend to bandy this word around a lot, but I mean it, I love every one of them in their own way - and having an audience react with such positivity, passion and enthusiasm. And to think, I very nearly turned it down.

Yes. You read correctly. I nearly said no to the opportunity to work with Old Vic New Voices in a thrilling, emotional, wonderful musical about issues that matter, in an incredible venue (The Old Vic Tunnels) with passionate, dedicated and seriously talented people. I don't know what came over me for the few weeks of indecision; fear of getting it wrong? Confidence failure? Divided loyalties? Whatever it was I am so very thankful that I listened to that tinny voice in my ear that told me to go for it. The experiences, friends, perspectives (even romantic attachments) that I gained from doing this show will stay with me for a very long time - if not forever. Plus, I'll get to keep that microphone - could it be the best prop I've ever used? Quite likely. 

Epidemic was the culmination of an intense, temperamental, emotional whirlwind of six months that have changed me pretty spectacularly - all because I began to listen to that tinny voice and say yes. OK, I sound like some new aged hippy there. But bare with me. (And I promise the next post will have more wit in it). 

• I said yes to losing weight (two stone since Christmas), which has started to reduce my massive hangups about my body. 
• I said yes to getting my confidence in me back. Those who meet me will probably never imagine I could suffer from a lack of confidence - but genuinely, I began this year feeling pretty terrible about myself.
• I said yes to writing. I have a novel on the go, I've written lots of poems and a couple of short stories. There is nothing more cathartic for me than to write, but I was always stopped by a feeling of 'what if I'm rubbish?'
• I said yes to dating, meeting men, having a bit of fun and showing more interest in the gay community. My stock response to why I didn't go to gay clubs, or date more was 'I don't like gay men'. A pathetic attempt to hide my serious insecurities. Thank goodness I'm moving past that!
• I said yes to new friendships. I've garnered a whole bundle of new wonderful people in my life. One has perhaps had the best influence on me, challenging me to be better; to say yes. (They shall remain nameless, for fear of inflating their already wonderfully large ego - but I love them dearly). Suffice it to say, I love them all.
• I said yes to my career. I think I've finally found a direction for my future career (well two possible directions, but hey, that's pretty impressive for me). And I'm not going to just sit around and wait for things to come to me. I have some exciting ideas and plans which will come to fruition (stay tuned, I'll probably blog about them).

So, if you haven't guessed it already, what I'm trying to say is this. Say Yes. Don't let your insecurities, hang ups, fears, parents get in the way. I have done and the change has been miraculous. Even when things have come and knocked me down (men, money, work) the positive attitude that saying yes has given me has meant I've used them as a catalyst to make things better and to go on and do something new. I haven't even had such bad PSD (Post-Show Depression) this time around because I know that Epidemic is such an incredibly positive and powerful thing. I miss everyone massively but I know full well that we are a family that will remain together for a long time.

Too much time is spent in this country saying no, being cynical, criticising. I'm not saying this is the miracle cure, and there are going to be times when I feel awful, just want to rant at the world and be miserable. But positivity is key. So do it. Next time that tinny voices tells you to go for it, listen; it may just be the most wonderful thing you've ever done.

*Disclaimer - Some caution is necessary, saying yes to everything could land you in a whole pile of trouble*