The End of Singledom?

Love is an autocrat and won't be disobeyed.

Sometimes we almost manage to convince ourselves of that.

In Defence of Adultery by Julia Copus

This week I took the decision to accept that I, at 23, am unable to find people to date on my own. Its not something that took a lot of accepting; having a dating history that can be summed up as sporadic, uninspiring and limited should probably have told me that before. But I've muddled through quite unconvincingly until now, using a whole host of excuses to bat away the questions of 'why are you single?' - excuses such as 'I just don't meet gay men' or 'I have no time', or even 'I'm quite happy being single'. 

Happy being single?! No-one is happy being single, especially someone like me who thrives off and needs the company of others. Yes, I could pretend, but it was my insecurities getting in the way - stopping me from joining LGBT groups, going to gay bars or flirting with guys I'd meet. However, now, with friends paring off in front of me, and my life moving in a direction that would welcome someone to share it with, I'm starting to realise that I need to get dating. I'm more confident and happier to talk and flirt, and I'm even starting to look good (I think...)

The problem though is thus. I'm still not involved in LGBT groups, I still don't go to gay clubs/bars (although I'm not exactly going to find Mr Right there), I don't particularly look or act 'gay' and, contrary to popular belief, my Gaydar is shockingly bad. Like - atrocious. I mean, I can pick up on an obvious look but, give me a line up of men and tell me to pick the gays and, unless you've got a raving Queen there, I will fail in a lot of cases. I don't know if this is the same for many gay men, and maybe we all lie a little about how good we are at picking out others, but good lord its landed me in trouble a few times. I easily slip past most guy's and I don't think its that hard to pick up on. So my abilities and chances to meet someone I like are seriously limited unless I'm introduced by friends - which, unfortunately, doesn't seem to happen regularly.

Because of this sorry state of affairs, I have taken the drastic step of setting myself up a profile on a popular dating website. (I'm not going to tell you which in case you stumble across me and read the ridiculous exaggerations - I can be described as toned and athletic right?!). I'm even going to pay for it - a monetary investment seems worthwhile if it means I can actually start meeting some guys. I know its fine and normal these days, but I still feel a little embarrassed about having to do it, and I think writing this post is my guilty admission. I'm not sure how its going to work out or whether I'll even get any messages - but I'm willing to give it a try and see what happens. I've heard so many stories of people meeting their future husband on their first encounter that I've got to give it at least a little try, right?!

So wish me luck in this cyber dating world. I'll keep you updated. Let's just hope that my first message isn't from this guy:

Dave, 67, looking for a 20 - 24 year old for fun, friendship and filthy times. 

Shudder.